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Struggling With the Orgasm Gap?

Struggling With the Orgasm Gap
September 1, 2021

Struggling With the Orgasm Gap?

Perhaps you’ve never heard of it, but I’m pretty sure you’re aware of the concept.

The orgasm gap is something that almost everyone in heterosexual relationships is aware of – but like to pretend doesn’t exist. In a nutshell – it’s the fact that in heterosexual couples, men report much higher levels of sexual satisfaction than their partners.

Multiple studies have shown that out of all sexualities and genders, heterosexual women are far less likely during sex than anybody else. One survey revealed that while 95% of straight men usually orgasm during sex, only 65% of straight women reported the same. Other studies put this female pleasure rating as low as 35%!!

When we compare this figure to women in lesbian relationships, there’s a huge difference. 86% of women in same-sex relationships report that they almost always orgasm during sex. But why is this? The obvious answer seems to be that the sexual activities focus on female pleasure – and that means giving time and attention to the clitoris!

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Is the Clitoris THAT Important?

Well, considering that only 20% of women can orgasm through penetration alone, I’d say so! Ignoring the clitoris is one of the main reasons for the orgasm gap – and no, I’m not blaming penises or men here.

The complete structure of the clitoris was only uncovered in 1998 – and even now that we know that it’s considerably larger than first thought, it still isn’t taught in basic sex ed. Girls aren’t taught about their pleasure anatomy, and they certainly aren’t encouraged to explore it themselves.

Intercourse is still considered “real sex” even though it’s only really effective for male pleasure. Yet, we see intercourse in porn and movies with actresses screaming in orgasmic pleasure after three thrusts of a penis and zero attention on the clitoris. It can leave women feeling that something’s wrong when the same doesn’t happen for them.

We also tend to overlook the fact that the clitoris requires 20-40 minutes of direct stimulation to experience orgasm. So closing the orgasm gap could be as simple as slowing the heck down and providing the right kind of stimulation.

Other Potential Culprits

While understanding the anatomy of the clitoris is pivotal in closing the orgasm gap, there may be other factors at play too. Medication can have an impact on the female orgasmic response, especially birth control pills and antidepressants. If this is concerning you, speak to your health practitioner about other options.

Body image and vulva shame can also form mental blocks that get in the way during sex. This might lead to you losing your orgasm at the critical moment when old thoughts about your body come up. It can be helpful to work towards making friends with your body by spending time with the mirror. Slowly, you will learn to see your beauty, and this will support your ability to receive pleasure.

No matter the “culprit,” if you’re struggling to experience orgasm, keep in mind that it’s not your fault. Nor is it your partner’s. The great news is that there are things you can do to reduce the gender disparity in pleasure.

How to Close the Gap

The first thing that I have to say here is: STOP FAKING ORGASMS!

I’m not judging you. I did it for years! The problem with faking is that you never teach your partner what you actually need, and you teach your body that you don’t prioritise your pleasure. I do understand why you’d want to fake it.

  1. You’re busy! You want it to be over and done with.
  2. You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – because you think you’re broken.
  3. You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – and want to make your partner feel good.
  4. You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – because you only orgasm alone.


Am I in your head? I’ve been here too – and I have an answer for all of these!

You’re busy! You want it to be over and done with.

Your to-do list isn’t going anywhere, but your intimacy might! By enjoying a sexual connection with your partner, you can boost your energy levels, increase your connection, and put a spring in your step.

You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – because you think you’re broken.

You might be surprised to learn that many women feel the same – but it’s highly unlikely that you’re not able to experience orgasm. It’s far more likely that you haven’t discovered the correct technique that works for your unique anatomy. Orgasm isn’t something we’re born knowing how to do – it needs to be learned!

You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – and want to make your partner feel good.

It is so kind that you want to make your partner feel good – but it’s such a shame to do this at the expense of your own pleasure. Here’s some tough love – you’re being dishonest! Your partner WANTS to know how to please you, and they’ll never learn if you don’t show them.

You don’t expect to orgasm anyway – because you only orgasm alone.

This was me for years! Let me explain what’s happening here. You have mastered one specific masturbation technique that works effectively every time – and your neural networks respond efficiently to your preferred stimulation. In other words, you’ve taught yourself to perfect one technique, and your body has had time to get used to it.

It is possible to learn to orgasm through other techniques – but it’s going to take time to perfect it and for your body to get used to it. Patience is required – and it’s worth it.

Where to Begin?

I hope that this has inspired you to close the orgasm gap in your relationship. You might be wondering where on earth to start – so let me help you out. It doesn’t need to be confusing.

  1. Slow down – this is going to take patience. Can you carve out 15 mins a night to learning about your pleasure? Give yourself time to feel safe in your body and in your pleasure.
  2. Get curious – ignore everything you’ve heard and learn about your own genitals and what they like.
  3. Explore feelings that come up – this may include shame around pleasure and masturbation. Notice what old thoughts are still knocking around and decide if they still serve you – if not, choose another thought.
  4. Be there with whatever is in the moment as you stimulate your genitals – numbness, pain, pleasure. And if you are tempted to shift back to your favourite technique to finish off, go for it. It’s supposed to be fun, and you deserve to experience pleasure without judgement!


Through the journey of learning to orgasm, you can learn so much about yourself, and heal many aspects of your lives. You might find that closing the orgasm gap is the first step in the newest evolution of you!


Author : Lisa Welsh

About our guest writer: Lisa is a Pleasure Pixie and Sex Educator who loves helping people to unlock their full orgasmic nature.

You can find out more about Lisa at: https://inbedwithlisa.com/



Lisa Welsh

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