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Does the thought of tackling uncomfortable conversations in the bedroom fill you with dread? Ugh! Discussions about knocking boots are more difficult than actually getting your kit off and doing the deed!
Why? Surprisingly, it can feel even more vulnerable to TALK about sex than to actually HAVE sex!
But despite the urge to avoid this kind of communication, it can lead to increased satisfaction, more intimacy, and a big boost of pleasure in the bedroom. So it’s worth it, promise!
Today is the first in a series of three blog posts designed to help you overcome awkwardness about boudoir chats! In part one, we’ll look at five common scenarios that might have you biting your tongue, and four tips to get those uncomfortable conversations started.
1. I don’t like my body
A study of over 1,000 Europeans and Americans by Zava found that body insecurities impact 79% of women and 60% of men in the bedroom, making them uncomfortable during sex and reducing their enjoyment. This feeling of shame about our bodies can impact libido, causing us to avoid sex, or close down in moments of intimacy.
And even worse, if we don’t talk about what we’re feeling, it can leave our partners wondering if there’s something wrong with them, or a problem in the relationship.
While it might feel hard to accept, our bodies do change. Hormones fluctuate, weight changes, scarring and stretch-marks appear. This can be due to ageing, pregnancy, birth, stress, accident or illness. It’s a part of being human and nothing to feel ashamed about.
Talking with your partner will let them know what’s happening for you – so that you can work towards a solution together. That might be taking baby steps such as turning off the lights, trying self-love tools or even seeing a therapist.
We have the perfect self-care starter kit for you!
2. I don’t experience pleasure during sex
It’s surprisingly common for vulva owners to fake orgasms (especially in heterosexual relationships) – so if you’re wondering why you never orgasm during intercourse, you’re not alone. Let’s look at some common reasons.
- Believing that you can’t experience orgasm
It is VERY rare for people to be anorgasmic. And while that’s a possibility, it’s far more likely that you haven’t learnt a technique that works for you. Women are taught that touching their own bodies is dirty – so self-exploration is often skipped! And that leaves many people thinking they can’t orgasm when really, they’re not receiving the right kind of stimulation.
- Worrying that you take too long
We can blame this myth on the movies! We typically see a woman screaming in orgasmic bliss two seconds after penetration, synchronised with her partner’s ejaculation. Sorry to burst the bubble, but that’s just not realistic! Most vulva owners require 20+ minutes of clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, so nope you’re not taking too long!!
- Protecting your partner’s ego
You might worry that your partner will feel insecure if you aren’t multi-orgasmic at their slightest touch – but this is a great opportunity to educate them about what feels good to you rather than what we’ve been taught to believe.
The bottom line is you deserve pleasure – and a little education about the female anatomy and arousal patterns may be all you need to close the orgasm gap!
3. I want to try lube
Lube is a super effective tool to increase pleasure in the bedroom. It can decrease pain and discomfort, increase sensation and make sex feel great! So why is it surrounded by stigma?
This may be a result of men’s biggest insecurity in the bedroom – their performance – and (once again) a lack of understanding about female arousal.
Here’s the assumption: If a woman needs lube, she’s not wet, that means she’s turned on, which means the partner is a bad lover.
Here’s the truth: Being wet does not always mean she’s aroused. Being aroused does not always mean she’ll be wet. So, nobody should take this natural bodily function personally! Emily Nagowski calls this phenomenon Arousal Non-Concordance in her book She Comes First.
So, now you know that wanting to add some lubrication doesn’t mean anything about you, your genitals, or your partner’s performance, it might feel easier to bring it up in conversation. And if that still feels scary, we’d suggest experimenting with using it alone, putting it on privately, or using it for massage, before moving into intimacy.
Ready to try it?
We have some amazing lubes! One of them should tickle your fancy, at least 😉
4. We don’t have time
It might sound unsexy, but if you don’t have time for intimacy in your relationship, scheduling sex can be a game-changer! EVERYONE is busy! We’re all juggling work, family, social lives and more – and all of those things happen on a schedule. Sex shouldn’t be any different.
Why not look for pockets in your day when you and your partner are available and still have some energy for one another? Pro tip: this is rarely as you fall into bed at the end of a busy day.
When you schedule sex you plan the logistics, no stressful work deadlines, like childcare (or screentime), and shaving legs. These small things add up and can have a huge impact on intimacy.
5. I’m scared to initiate
Approaching your partner for sex can be terrifying! There’s the acute fear of rejection, coupled with the patriarchal voice that women should be demure and passive in bed. But the truth is, everyone enjoys feeling desired. So, if you never initiate sex, it’s likely that your partner is wishing you would.
It doesn’t have to be scary – and you don’t even need to use words.
- Try snuggling up close and kissing their neck.
- Kiss them on the lips and let your hand slide downwards.
- Make hints such as lingerie in their pocket or footsie under the table
- Send saucy text messages…“When you get home I’m going to… “
- Whisper in their ear, “I want you.”
You can choose to initiate in playful, seductive, cheeky, shy or direct ways. And sometimes your partner will be receptive, and sometimes they won’t. The secret is not to take it personally, because it doesn’t mean anything about you.
4 tips to make communication less uncomfortable in bed
1. Pick your moment
It sounds obvious, but timing is very important!! Choose a time when you are both relaxed, and you won’t be interrupted.
2. Listen – I mean, really listen
Try active listening as they talk – rather than simply planning your next sentence. And no interrupting! This is easier said than done – but this is the key to a constructive conversation.
3. Take it slow
When it comes to tricky conversations, you need to leave space for defensiveness and misunderstandings. It is natural for insecurities to be triggered when we talk about sex and intimacy. This might mean that we don’t always hear what is really being said. Try not to jump to conclusions or make false assumptions. Go slow and ask for clarity as you go.
4. Make it a game
With some sexy conversations, a game can be a great way to break the ice and get the conversation flowing. Look for one that suggests questions you can ask each other to learn more about desires and fantasies. Or perhaps try playing the classic, truth or dare. You might learn something new!
Tackling uncomfortable conversations in the bedroom can be tricky for all of us! But with a little patience and a lot of compassion, this can be a powerful way to unlock enormous intimacy and pleasure in your relationship.
The tips we’ve shared here today can help you to navigate some of the common sexual sore spots so that you can reach a positive outcome for everyone involved.
We hope this was helpful!
Wendy & the Intimate Touch Team.
P.S. Remember to share it with someone who may find it equally valuable.
Intimate Touch does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any and all information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice. It is not recommended that any action be taken before consulting with a healthcare professional.