Why can I orgasm on my own, but not with my partner?
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If you decided to come and learn more about this post, it’s likely that you’re dealing with a case of the disappearing orgasm. One that vanishes the second your partner gets involved. Ugh, I’ve been here too, and I know how frustrating it can feel.
But fear not, this post is here to demystify the mystery of the big O and give you some tools, so you can overcome this frustration for good.
You might be surprised to learn that this weird phenomenon is very common, especially for us women in heterosexual relationships. We just don’t talk about it. It’s far easier to pretend everything is normal, and even fake an orgasm … right? Well, once you’ve read this post, you may not have to do that anymore.
Common Obstacles to Orgasm
First, let’s look at why this happens.
There are 6 main things getting in the way of your pleasure when you’re with your lover.
- Shame about what they might think of you – “do good wives behave this way?”
- Fear of judgement about your body and/or vulva – “will they think I’m too fat?”
- Feeling that you’re not sexy enough – “I don’t behave like that porn star”
- Worrying that you’re taking too long – “they must be getting bored”
- Too much focus on penis/vagina intercourse
- Putting all of your attention on pleasing your partner and none on yourself
When you are self-pleasuring alone, things are very different. You’re free to focus on what feels good for you in the moment. You don’t need to worry about how long you’re taking, what sounds you’re making, or whether your belly is jiggling. Instead, you can focus on the sensations that are building in your body.
Communication is a big part of the solution here. By letting your partner know that you feel nervous, ashamed, embarrassed, or pressured you’re giving them the opportunity to put your mind at ease. Let them know the kind of touch you enjoy – and that you love it when you are given time to slowly build arousal. Your partner wants to please you and this information will set you both up for extra pleasure!
You can also try adding lube to reduce friction, and even a partnered toy to provide additional clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Tried and True Technique
But that’s not the whole story. There’s also another elephant in the room. Many vulva-owners repeat one particular masturbation technique in order to orgasm… and it can feel as though that is the only possible way to get there. Despite the evidence, this is actually not true.
By repeating one masturbation technique over and over again you have trained your body to respond orgasmically to that particular stimulus – and you will respond consistently, and quite quickly because you have formed strong neural networks over time.
When you try something new, it can be frustrating, because the fast and reliable orgasm you’ve come to expect doesn’t happen. So, what can you do about it?
A loving self-pleasure practice could be the answer you’re looking for! By exploring your own body and learning what feels good to you, you’ll start to feel more comfortable in your skin and with practice you’ll teach your body to respond to different kinds of stimulation. Both of which will increase the pleasure you can experience during partnered sex!
It might sound like a lot of effort, but pleasure doesn’t have to be a chore! Take your time and enjoy the journey and your orgasm will eventually show up in new experiences!