Why am I never in the mood for pleasure?
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This is something I get asked a lot! You want to want sex, but you just don’t feel like it! Right?
My prescription? It almost always involves some kind of relaxation. And one of my favourite methods is to create a pleasure spa! It can change everything.
It makes sense when you think about it…Cast your mind back to school when you learnt about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Remember that big triangle? At the bottom were the physiological needs – like air, water, food, and sleep.
Then there’s safety – which means the absence of stress and danger. Of course, there’s the added complication that our bodies can’t distinguish between ancient stressors like being chased by a sabre-toothed tiger and modern stressors like receiving an angry email from a client. AGH!
That’s levels one and two of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and Love and Belonging are up on level three. Yup, you guessed it, this level includes intimacy.
So, for you to feel in the mood for pleasure, you need to take care of your physiological and safety needs first.
Here’s the magic formula: > sleep + < stress = > relaxation = PLEASURE!
But I’m Too Busy!
But wait, how can you make that happen in your busy life?
Well, we could quit our jobs, run away to the mountains and live in a cottage by a stream (I mean, if you’re keen, I’m keen!).
Or… we could find a healthy way to manage our stressful and overwhelming lives. Bingo! Today I want to share my favourite way of doing this. It’s deceptively simple, but it works wonders.
I’m about to teach you how to create a pleasure spa!
The idea is to design your own spa-like experience from the comfort of your own home… to encourage rest and to enhance sensual aliveness. Sounds good, right?
It’s the perfect antidote to stress and overwhelm. I’m a massive fan of taking a bath. And yes, I know that is a real privilege. Ironically, as I write this I have been without water for 15 days. I’m feeling decidedly grubby!!
So, with that in mind, I’m going to share how to create a pleasure spa in a tub, shower or even a small bowl of water! Let’s get into it.
Enhance Your Space
The first step is to choose a space that you’d like to use for your pleasure spa. It could be your bathroom, the corner of your lounge or even an outside area.
Take a look around your chosen space and notice any things that distract you from pleasure. Clutter, piles of clothes, old empty bottles, or mess. If it is possible, remove everything that doesn’t spark joy!
Now you have a nice clean canvas, it’s time to add things that will enhance the pleasure in your space. Take time to consider how you’d like to seduce your senses. We want to bring in as much positive sensory information as possible to treat your body!
- Sight: Candles, fresh flowers, colourful accessories
- Sound: Music, guided meditations, singing, chanting
- Smell: Wonderfully scented bath bombs, shower steamers, essential oils
- Taste: Delicious morsels to nibble on, berries or chocolate drops
- Touch: Temperature of the space and the water, tingling soaps, soft towels, mats and slippers
Breathe deeply as you pamper yourself in the space you have created. Become mindful of the touch of your own hands on your face and body as you bathe and massage yourself. Time alone with your body is rare in our busy lives – so bring your conscious attention to each moment. If you notice your mind wandering to the usual daily stresses, gently bring your attention back to your pleasure spa experience. Make it simple and sink deeply into the moment.
Ahhh, and that’s it!
See, I told you that my suggestion was simple – but this has become a haven of relaxation and restoration in my life. I love to sink into a bathtub of hot water. I can get lost watching a bath bomb slowly fizzle, dissolve and dance around the water. I am invigorated as I inhale the refreshing scent of a melting shower steamer.
So, it seems that Maslow had it right after all because once I’ve taken the time to tend to the foundation of my hierarchy of needs, I am suddenly much more open to intimacy – and start to crave it!
Let’s revisit the question that opened this blog: “Why am I never in the mood for pleasure?”
Maybe you need to tend to your fundamental needs first! A “pleasure spa” can be a delightful way to do that.
With a small conscious effort, you can create your own pleasure spa to help you:
- sleep more deeply
- reduce stress
- regulate your nervous system
- believe that you are enough
- fill your cup
- Escape the dreaded cell phone for a couple of minutes!! (your hands will be wet!!)
And as I’ve learnt over the last 15 days, this tool is completely customisable depending on your circumstances. It is accessible to you at any time. This is your invitation to try it today!