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Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What is it and how to fix it

Sexual Desire Discrepancy
October 1, 2022

Do you find that you and your partner are on opposite ends of the libido spectrum?

Are you constantly in the mood, and they’re not? Or vice versa?

We hear you! Desire discrepancy is quite common amongst couples — especially if they’ve been in a relationship for a while.

Research shows that up to 80% of couples find themselves in situations where one wants to have sex while the other doesn’t (Day, Muise, Joel, & Impett, 2015).

The question is, can you do something about it? And is there a way for you to flourish in the bedroom (like you did in the beginning stages of your relationship)?

Well, let’s find out!

This article will go into depth about desire discrepancy, the reasons for low libido, and how you can increase your sex drive so you and your partner can experience super-hot sex once more.

What exactly is desire discrepancy?

Put simply, sexual desire discrepancy (SDD) is a situation that occurs when the sex drive of one person in the relationship is higher than the others.

Even though this situation is very common, and many couples face it during some stage of their relationship, it can significantly impact the overall satisfaction of the relationship.

It’s important to get to the root of the problem so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship — in and out of the bedroom.

So, let’s look at some common reasons for your low sex drive.

What could be influencing your libido?

There are several reasons why you or your partner may be experiencing a season of decreased sexual appetite. Here’s a list of some of the main culprits.

1. Hormones

As hormones fluctuate, so does your sex drive. These fluctuations can occur for many reasons, including menstruation, age, and even stress (more on this next).

Hormonal fluctuations are a part of life, but if you feel concerned then we recommend you see a doctor who can help. And understanding when and how your hormones fluctuate can help you and your partner understand why your libido levels are lower during some parts of the month.

2. High-stress levels

Ongoing stress can negatively impact your body and dramatically decrease your desire to have sex. Physically, stress causes your hormones to fluctuate, resulting in a decrease in libido. Mentally, your busy brain can prevent you from enjoying sex and having orgasms.

3. Body issues

A negative body image can have a massive impact on your sex drive. When you feel unattractive and uncomfortable in your skin, you’re less likely to let go and be vulnerable in front of your partner. This removes intimacy and causes sex to be far less enjoyable.

Pro tip: It can help to try self-love in front of your partner. This will take away the awkwardness and can give you the confidence you need. 

4. Trauma

If either of you has experienced trauma (especially sexual trauma), it can seriously impact your libido. That being said, everyone is different. Some people who have experienced trauma have increased sex drives, while others don’t want anything to do with it.

5. Medication

Some types of medication, such as antidepressants or other strong medications, can suppress libido. While it’s normal for these medications to affect your sex drive if it’s significantly hindering your ability to enjoy sex, consider consulting your doctor.

6. Boring sex

If you and your partner are struggling to click in bed, or you’re tired of the same old positions, this could be the reason why you’re experiencing a lack of sexual appetite. This is especially true for women as they often need stimulation to “get in the mood” before they can genuinely have fun and enjoy sex.

How to increase your sex drive

Here’s a list of things you can do to increase your sex drive.

Schedule sex

We know, we know. Scheduling sex seems boring as hell. But it doesn’t have to be.


Scheduling sex can be highly sexy since it builds anticipation and excitement. It can also remove some of the stress involved in initiating sex.


Of course, your sex date doesn’t have to be set in stone. If something comes up and one of you can’t make it, that’s fine. However, having a schedule will undoubtedly increase your chances of having more sex and intimacy in your relationship.

Ask for what you want

If boring sex is the main cause of your lack of sexual desire, you must let your partner know. At the end of the day, your partner isn’t a mind reader; you need to tell them what you want. Chances are good that they’ll be more than willing to try new things. 


If you’re unsure how to handle the conversation, read our article on tackling uncomfortable conversations in the bedroom.


Want to incorporate some sex toys into the mix?

Have a look at our sex toys collection.

Caress, Tease and Arouse.

Sometimes sex doesn’t have to start with sex.

You see…

Sex isn’t going to be fun every time if you jump right in, get down to business, and then tick it off your to do list.

Forget about short and sweet. It’s time to enhance the experience.

Try a massage! Get out your Massage Gel & Lube to tease, arouse, and caress your partner.

Start slow. First, caress parts of their body that’s often overlooked during sex, such as the back, stomach, neck, and legs.

As your partner relaxes, tease them by building up to more erogenous zones so you get them hot and ready.

A sensual massage is one of the best ways to get you in the mood and increase your sex drive!

Remember to swop so both get a turn.

Have intimacy outside of the bedroom

Intimacy is something that needs to be nurtured inside and outside of the bedroom. You and your partner must spend some quality time together outside of sex. Consider going on date nights, bicycle rides, or taking hot bubble baths with candlelight and a bottle of wine.

Bottom line: Do things together outside the bedroom — and watch your time inside the bedroom explode into experiences of more passion and pleasure than ever before.

Bring the sexual desire back

Desire discrepancy is no myth. Going unchecked, it can have a severe negative impact on your relationship.

However, making more time for each other outside the bedroom, scheduling sex, and telling your partner exactly what you want can help heighten your libido and result in far more pleasure than ever before.

We hope this was helpful!

PS Remember to share it with someone who may find it equally valuable.

Intimate Touch does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any and all information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice.  It is not recommended that any action be taken before consulting with a healthcare professional.

Author : Lisa Welsh

About our guest writer: Lisa is a Pleasure Pixie and Sex Educator who loves helping people to unlock their full orgasmic nature.

You can find out more about Lisa at: https://inbedwithlisa.com/



Lisa Welsh

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